I just finished doing a lot of house-wifey administration thingies here at work, and got my first bottle of water for the day. Yay! Alright! Woohoo! It's only....3:27pm????
Yes, it's that bad. >.<
Apparently I have a leetle problem with procrastination. It is so hard to get myself psyched up for anything anymore. It's like I forget how wonderful I will feel taking that first sip of chilly, Pomegranate Yumberry flavored water, and cannot convince myself to walk around the freaking corner to the water cooler!! I could get busted by the 5-0 for not carrying an updated copy of my proof of insurance cards, but have I gotten them printed out until today? And the ones in my car expired in what, April???
The water was the last straw. I am sitting down to write until I figure out what this is and how to deal with it.
So. Procrastination.
Wikipedia has this to say:
The modern term comes from the Latin word procrastinatus, which is the past participle of procrastinare derived from pro- (forward) and crastinus (of tomorrow).
[Forward to tomorrow. Sounds like it could be a good thing, right?]
The psychological causes of procrastination are in debate. Drawing on clinical work, there appears to be a connection with issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality. On the other hand, drawing on meta-analytical correlational work, anxiety and perfectionism have no connection or at best an extremely weak connection with procrastination. Instead, procrastination is strongly connected with lack of self-confidence (e.g., low self-efficacy), disliking the task (e.g., boredom proneness), but especially impulsiveness.[2] These characteristics are often facets of the personality trait conscientiousness while anxiety and irrational beliefs (such as perfectionism) are aspects of the personality trait neuroticism.
Research on the physiological roots of procrastination mostly surrounds the role of the prefrontal cortex.[8] Consistent with notion that procrastination is strongly related to impulsiveness, this area of the brain is responsible for executive brain functions such as planning, impulse control, attention, and acts as a filter by decreasing distracting stimuli from other brain regions. Damage or low activation in this area can reduce an individual's ability to filter out distracting stimuli, ultimately resulting in poorer organization, a loss of attention and increased procrastination. This is similar to the prefrontal lobe's role in attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, where underactivation is common.
Well, I think I just figured a huge portion of it out! I work as basically a phone operator for a busy company. So the phone is ringing off the hook all day, and my job is to make sure it is always answered. I am expected to do little busy-work things for other people with my hands while my voice is occupied. I cannot write, read, think, listen to music, or even have a conversation without being interrupted and using only half my attention. I know people think this is good preparation for motherhood, but shoot, this is ridonkulous!
The constant interruption is having a noted effect on me in the year I have been here. Aside from the fact that I do not talk on the phone anymore because that is what I am paid to do, I seriously am having problems getting organized, getting motivated, and remembering things. The constant stimulation of the ringing phone, ringing fax machine (seriously, who faxes anymore???), and high heels clicking in the lobby are wearing out my creative juices. And lets not even get into the saying the same thing over and over...does wonders for the vocabulary and elocution, let me tell ya! *dripping sarcasm*
Don't get the wrong impression of my workplace, though! Even with everything I have said, over all it really is nice. They don't work me hard. They let me do what I want as long as I get the customers taken care of. This is the best employer, best environment, best coworkers, best pay, best benefits, and easiest job I've ever had! I am very grateful every day that I DO have a job, and one that I don't hate going to.
It's just...I'm feeling caged. Dry. I feel like a peacock being kept in the cellar. The gray, cold cement walls and moisty darkness are leeching the color from my feathers. My muscles are even forgetting how to do anything but sit...
I was meant for more, and I can't stop feeling that way.
Enough with the sob story, because I really was talking about procrastination, lol. So, when my hair gets oily it makes my face break out. I should make my hair not oily, right? Buuut that involves washing it.... I'm not a hippy or a cavewoman, hear me out! Even with the amazing conditioner I have, my hair is VERY frizz prone and dry. It's not as coarse as it used to be, thank goodness, but still. It takes like a full three days for it to get enough oil back into it to calm down. So I have 3 days of BAD_HAIR. Girls, can I get an amen about how much that sucks??? It puts your whole day off!! Which is a big con for me... So, yes, my hair tends to get more on the, erm, shiny side than most peoples'.
And with the water thing, see I can only get up to go to the bathroom if I call someone up to cover the phones while I am away.
This procrastination one is a little more silly, but I'm just being honest: inner healing. Yeah. It takes me a while to fess up to stuff and get advice or prayer. I know how good I will feel after it, even immediately! I know the long term benefits! I know it's best! But...getting there means I have to first admit I have a problem. And then sticking with the ironing out of the habit that has formed in my life. And what if I fall off the wagon? Forefend, that's a gruesome thought: not only having to admit that I'm not perfect to get the advice or prayer, but then confessing that I slipped up in the correction of the original problem? Asking for help twice in one MONTH? It buuurnssss us, it buuuurrrnnsss!!! XP
Seriously, though. This is how I function...
Looks like we have a working diagnosis! Constant distraction leading to a perpetual state of unfocused and unmotivated+fear of temporary negative results+loss of personal perfection ideal.
The perfection thing is something I don't like to talk about a lot. And since this blog is already long enough, I'm going to cut it off here and avoid further unpleasantness. For a little longer at least. (tweehee)
But I make you a promise, gentle reader: I will write a part two about where my issues with perfection come from! I will! Really and truly!
Siednote: look what I just accomplished: a decent blog post! =)
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