Don't Have to Own

Take a deep breath and repeat after me: 

"I can like, admire, and find beauty in something without am urge to possess it exclusively."

I see on Pinterest all the time that people "WANT!!!" "wannnttttttt" and "need. <3" things. It can be dangerous for some people. A glut of information, so many perfect pictures and no advertising and the ability to organize and...PIN ALL THE THINGS!!! You can become a hoarder of images, which might not sound like a lot, but when you consider that each image is actually an idea, a lifestyle, an expense...it's like trying to excuse having 19 pet elephants in a 1 bedroom apartment. You get to where you don't have room to live because it is all taken up with the dissatisfaction and planning of "want".
For any of you that know that I have 6,000+ pins at the moment, you're probably priming your pointer fingers to blow off in my face.
I feel your ire, but hold on a minute.

About every two weeks or so, I overhaul a pinboard or five and delete the things that are taking up too much EMOTIONAL space.
What do I mean by that? Well, as I referenced in a previous entry, setting your sights on an $800 purse held by a model that would fit into you about 5 times over is emotionally draining. Even if you had the 800 clams to plop on a purse, it would not look the same on you as it does on her [heavilyphotoshopped] arm. So why not find purses that are A) in your budget and B) flattering to your frame? That way you can actually get excited about them, and be reminded of them when out shopping or someone else asks you what purse you would like as a present! Isn't that more fun? Because, when you do the DIY projects and open the etsy shop to earn enough money to buy the 800 dollar purse, you still don't have the full picture. Everything feels "off". So you keep working and budget cook a month's worth of meals in one day and open a boutique to sell your etsy things so that you can buy the shirt, shoes, belt, shorts, and sunglasses that went with the bag. And then you realize that the model can now fit into you 6 times, because of all the stress you've been under. So you turn to the fitness section of pinterest. And the beat goes on....
What a bill of goods! Marketers certainly understand how our brains work, don't they? Sometimes I think this is why Pinterest doesn't have ads. You know word of mouth is the most powerful form of advertising, right? (I sure do, having been in direct sales and studied marketing, product display, and customer psychology) Well, now we have "word-of-pin." And for most people, one thing leads to another if you're not careful.

When it comes to travel, let me just say this now-- you are realistically going to visit maybe 5 out of the 130 places that you pinned as "must see b4 I die." Unless you take a year off, couch surf, and dedicate yourself to it. And when you get there, what are you going to do? Take pictures of it. You know, the same pictures from the same angle that 50,000 other photographers with much better equipment have taken before you. But YOU did it, right? You were THERE. YEAH!!
.............and?
If you've never read Terry Pratchett's The Color of Magic, you might not understand why I asked that. Pratchett's satirical look at tourism is well worth it. The point is, we do those things "in person" so that we can "say we did it." And with a much crappier camera, I might add. You have to be there, to see it with your own eyes and touch it with your own hot little mitts.
Now, I understand that for certain people with lifelong obsessions with a place, or for artists that truly will couch surf and backpack across Europe for the experience, that is totally fine. But for most of us that will never move out of the town we were born in, it's emotionally consuming to have that hanging over your head/wallet as an unfulfilled dream.
What I have found works is to find the best pictures possible, taken with cameras that would buy a house, at times, seasons, and heights I could never reach, with all people cleared out for the shoot, and immerse myself in it. So THIS is the Taj Mahal. If you were to go there, you'd just be another tourist in a throng of people only allowed there during daylight, taking the same pictures as everyone else. Be realistic to your lifestyle-- most of us cannot afford that camera and don't have the influence to get private tours anywhere. You can appreciate someone else's work without feeling like you have to do the same thing.

You can love red. On your friend or that kitchen in BHG. But if you know that wearing red makes you look like you're about to need Anger Management classes or just entered puberty with a 150 degree fever, don't wear it... You don't have to own something to like it or enjoy it. I adore purple. But almost all shades of it except for violet make me look ill. My hair is naturally curl-ish and super thick. It would not be in my best interests to have my heart set on looking like Olivia Dunham from Fringe.

And now, getting to the crux of the matter, let me explain why it is that I have 6000+ pins.
About... 86% of those images are things that I simply enjoy looking at. Things that make sense in their setting, on the model, whatever. I keep a board full of things that are unique, ones that are pretty, and ones that are full of colors. I keep them to look at, to appreciate. But I don't need them. I don't need to recreate them. They feel the artsy and creative places in my soul, but that is all they are there for.
There's slender fairies in gossamer green, plump HAES bloggers in rockabilly duds, people who have devoted an arm and a leg (literally) to steampunk... I like all these things! But I don't want to be them, do them, have them.

Appreciation is becoming a lost art. It is slowly being replaced with lust and possession.
There have been multiple people in my life who exhibit the following trait: whenever they are presented with something new to them, they express the desire to get/do/be/own some of the same. If you find yourself saying "me too!" more often than "Wow!" this might apply to you as well.
I am not an insensitive jerk who doesn't understand about imitation being the most sincere form of flattery.
Yes, there are some people and things that are love-at-first-sight for each other. 
But for most of these situations, it is simply an exhibition that the "metooer" really has no idea who they are and what they like. This person is swept in trends and, in an unfortunately accurate Victorian phrase, "shallow." Meaning- no depth. (This is no reflection on their character or morals, and of no kin to "shady.")
It simply means they don't know themselves very well and, like a waterbug, flit on the surface of everything from one spot to the next.
I believe we all have varying degrees of shallowness in multiple areas of our lives.
I also believe it is worth the investment of time and effort to get to know yourself. You're the only you to ever live, EVER! I'd say you're probably pretty unique and worth knowing. =)

My Life in a Closet

Once, for a few months as I went from 18-19, I lived in a shoebox. Some people might have considered it outright spacious, others might think of it as more of a matchbox, but let's just go with me who lived there and call it a shoebox. I was thinking about it today, and don't ever want to lose this memory.
I've never lived in a dorm, but this was pretty close.
As far as I recall, it was about 12 feet long and maybe 4.5 feet wide. It had no windows. For the first two weeks it was...cozy. Thereafter it went from stifling to panic-inducing. There was rope light all around the top molding. There was a built-in bookcase/low closet with curtains at the back. The left wall was the hip-wide walking space, and the right wall had everything else. A a hefty vintage desk, wedged in there before everything else, surmounted with doorless discount cabinets from Lowe's. A narrow, high captain's bed that you had to jump up onto, with a very comfortable massage table mattress that is still to date the best sleep of my life. As long as you didn't turn over much. Under that bed you could easily fit tall Rubbermaid totes. I did, with coats, costumes, art supplies, and off season clothing. There was also a cheap pressed board bookcase that I bought myself for 10.00 and put together.
I loved that room. Mostly.
Still kinda do.
When I was a child I used to beg my mom to let me move into the guest half-bath. I had it all figured out.  I wanted to be in a snug little nest with everything in reach, using miniature things and making do. I still have the tug for that once in a while.
My life in a shoebox wasn't the best part of that time, but it was memorable. A memory I'm glad I have.

Crunchy Salmon Chowder

This lusciousness is a prime example of how Papa cooks with me. I was doing my pantry inventory last week, trying to come up with recipes. I was stumped. And then my eyes went "barley...cream of celery soup...water chestnuts. Wait, WHAT?"
Daddy was at it again. I would never have thought of putting these things together, as I'm a bit narrow minded in food categorization. Water chestnuts=stir fry. Not salmon chowder.
But the longer I thought about it and realized I needed to use these ingredients, the tastier it sounded.
So last night, this is how it went down.


Crunchy Salmon Chowder
1 1/2 cups dry Barley, cooked in proportion to water required on package. This takes 45 minutes, so watch an episode of something.
Near the end of the barley cook time, oil a skillet and lay down a generous sprinkling of Lemon Pepper. I used McCormick, which has some other herbs in it. Heat was....MedHi?
Thrown down 2 decent Salmon fillets and show them who's boss. Douse with more Lemon Pepper, some Lime Juice, and a dusting of Garlic for the brave.
In my experience, salmon takes about as long and about as many flips as pancakes. Cook till opaque.
Break it up! I used my spatula. Nothing fancy. It got the message.
Put the chipped salmon in a bowl and rinse your skillet.
Dump 2 cans Water Chestnuts (sliced any way you like, just not left whole) into the skillet. Turn down to Medium. To get the flavor going, I sprinkled mine with Celery Salt and Onion Powder. I think some Pepper made it in there as well. Oh, and 2 1/2 tsp Butter.
Saute that for a minute or three and don't forget to turn off the heat under your barley!
Schloop in a can of condensed Cream of Celery Soup. Fill said can with Milk (I used whole cow's milk) and pour into skillet, stirring constantly.
When that's all mixed in and the flavors have had a minute to say howdy, add the barley! Mix well, you don't want any clumps of dry barley in this puppy. =)
I served mine in soup mugs, topped with about 1 1/2 Tbsp of the chipped salmon per serving. I wasn't going to do that, just serve the salmon on the side. Haha, this was WAY better!
This should feed 4 with hearty appetites and a salad on the side.
Stick-to-your-ribs good. The water chestnuts were so unexpected, very pleasant in a thick and creamy dish.

Enjoy!

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I used to have a ginormous wishlist. It's still kinda long, but there are not nearly as many expensive things.
Do you know how fun it is to get to check something off that list? It's positively exhilarating!!
And with our current budget, if I had been so stuck on that 350.00 purse that might not have happened for a long time. But since I got the 80.00 one, I can feel the thrill and accomplishment and joy of a present for myself. Before, I would just stare at the list and drool and moan and pout that life wasn't fair and I could never have nice things.
A long time ago a pastor of mine said "Stress is the distance between your expectations and reality."
I will realistically never purchase a 350.00 purse. Dude, that is almost as much as rent. Or an appliance. Or a vacation, since I Groupon. Heck no am I schlepping my lip gloss and water bottle around in something like that!! Even if I was so wealthy that "money is no object," I could not get away from remembering that Old Me would have paid rent with that.
And anyway, when you spend that much you're really only paying for the brand or the artist's ego. Most of my favorite pieces have less expensive counterparts on etsy. The quality is generally better since etsy artisans make things by hand and are trying to build their rep with good products. The sweet spot is not more than 80.00, not less than 35.00, justsoyouknow.
I've given up trying to make myself look good in purple. I LOVE purple, but it makes me look uber pale and drawn. Blue is not even my favorite color, but it makes me look amazeballs. Yes, I went there.
My husband and I live in an apartment and share one car. But we are debt free and spend so much quality time with each other!

Your heart lives where your mind wanders. Being grudgy and bitter makes me feel like I'm living in a toadstool. Dark, dirty, and surrounded by sh*t.
Being thankful makes me feel like I live in a treehouse. Up above it all, making do with what God gave us and feeling like I'm the queen of the world.

Pierced.

i close one eye
and squint
and see a little blue gem
winking at me

I have always loved piercings. My parents were fairly friendly about it, and I watched more than once as a belly piercing went on with my sister and her friends or an earring was added to big brother.
I was fine until a respected teacher in highschool gave us all a good “biblical” talk about how ungodly all piercings were, and threw me into a tizzy about my “sinful desires.” But then a friend debunked that for me with the thought, “So what if it used to mean slavery? It meant you loved your master so much you never wanted to leave, even if you could!” I had known Papa as Master before, and quieted my soul to the thought that I was marking myself as His forever.
Just one day after I graduated, my dad took me to get 2nd holes in my ears.
For a year, I studied and argued and hem’d and haw’d about getting anything more visible. I have heard and considered every argument out there, from workplace viability to eventual aging, placement, spirituality, the whole works.
And then.
While not one for much Bible reading, I sat meself down for a hard look at what Papa REALLY said.
And what I found has changed my world.
Ezekiel Chapter 16 is one of my very most favorite passages. In it, Papa describes His passionate ardor for His People, embodying them in the likeness of a woman. This woman is abandoned as a little baby, fresh from the womb. He speaks life to her and takes her in as his ward, cleans her, clothes her and gives her precious and rare gifts from all over the world. And in verse 12, specifically states “a ring for your nose, earrings for your ears, and a lovely crown for your head.”
The rest of the story you may read for yourself, but this thudded into my being that nose adornments were a chosen gift of God Himself!
And the cross reference was no less breathtaking. In Genesis 24, Abraham has sent his servant to find a bride for Issac. And when the sign has been given that she is the one, the servant gives her a gift. Verse 47 says “the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms.”
It just makes me want to do a little dance to know that one of the Matriarchs of the Torah had a nose ring.
So knowing it was permissible and I had Papa’s blessing, the only question was when and where.
In May of 2009, when I was rediscovering my bashert Treader, out of the blue on Mother’s Day Papa told me to go get it done. I was ecstatic, and immediately told Treader. While telling him about my journey to this point, I realized that I wanted him there with me. And that I was very short on cash. And he had a piercing needle kit, having been quite the punk in his hey-day. So I asked him to pierce my nose.
Oh, he was nervous! We boiled the piercing needle and stud, both washed thoroughly, wore gloves, cleaned with alcohol and sterile bandages, the whole bit. There was quite a bit of blood, and yes, it did smart for a while.
And as it healed, and our relationship grew, I came to realize what an amazing choice I had been led to make.
This man had not just pierced my flesh, but my heart. I allowed him into not only my space, but my soul. He had given me the fine gift of a bride, and that autumn I became one. He had marked me. In that dusky May moment, though I was not conscious of it, I felt as Mr. Darcy did. “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Over time, this tiniest of adornments has been my weather vane for jobs and friends. Even if I get censure on a first impression, it’s a fabulous conversation starter—no one who knows this story has continued to disapprove of it. But I have had the grace to turn down jobs rather than remove it. The one time I removed it to get a job was the worst mistake of my career and only lasted a week. This is a gift from my Papa and my husband, both of whom come before all else in my life.
In all honesty I would sooner remove my wedding ring than my little gem.
It is a symbol of my faith, my trust in my husband, and the moment our spirits sparked to one another, remembering that we were destined for each other since before time began.

Just before the new year, Papa asked me to revamp our diet and showed me, through the amazing legwork of Mommypotamus, just how much our health was in need of the healing and cleansing we have been applying to our souls. I never once felt overwhelmed, but had to give myself a stern talking to.
It's called baby steps. "Don't think about everything you have to do to get out of this building, just think about everything you have to do to get out of this room. And then the elevator and so forth."
The easiest part was laying everything I thought I knew was healthy for me on the altar and seeing what I would get back. Turns out, eating fats doesn't make you fat! And for those of us with a gluten intolerance, well, since bread is mentioned over and over in the Bible it must not be in God's plan for us to be allergic. Guess what? Bread we eat now is almost nothing like what they made then. GO FIGURE.
Dieting sets you up for failure. Making a permanent change in what you eat and how you see yourself is the only way to be healthy.

Ten Steps To Health At Every Size  http://www.haescommunity.org/
Think of these steps as a dance rather than a linear progression. Move from one to another and back again as fits your own personal style and journey. 

1. Stop weighing yourself.  Shift your focus from weight & body fat to healthy behaviors and fitness. 
2. Live now, not in the past or future. Live your life as if you were at your desired weight—including wearing beautiful, comfortable clothing in your present size. 
3. Eat well & mindfully. Enjoy your food. Let nothing be off-limits—there are no forbidden foods.
4. Listen to your body and give yourself and your body what you need to thrive: balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, regular exercise.
5. Love & accept yourself as you are, & others as they are. Refuse to engage in fat prejudice toward yourself or others.
6. Feed your soul with meaningful and enjoyable recreation, relationships, work, & spirituality. Clear out toxic environments/relationships/behavior patterns. Build a nourishing community: surrounding yourself with size-friendly people (friends, therapists, doctors) & images of happy, successful people of all sizes.
7. Connect mind & body. Increase body awareness through yoga, walking meditation, tai chi, qi gong, massage, & bodywork, movement therapy (such as Feldenkrais). Focus on what your body can do and how good it can feel. 
8. Decrease self-criticism & body judgment, increase positive, supportive self-talk. Talk to yourself & your body the way you would a cherished friend or loved one.
9. Address any emotional eating or body image issues independent of weight change. Attitudes & opinions are easier (& healthier) to change than body size.
10. Invest time & money in yourself rather than the diet industry.

Does God Exist?- One of my favorite stories

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of a God, the barber said:
"I don't believe that God exists."

Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who allow all of there things"

The custome thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he did not want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the barber. "I am here, and I am a barber, and I just worked on you"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" - affirmed the customer "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!
what happens, is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him, That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."